Practicing Gratitude Through Grief & Loss

I once read a quote that said something along the lines of, “Grief is the equivalent to the amount of love we had for someone when they were alive.” This quote stuck with me because to me, it’s the one that makes the most sense. When you love deeply, you grieve deeply, and the death of someone you love is one of the harshest ways human beings experience loss.

As a therapist, I’ve had many clients in my years of practicing that have experienced loss. The loss of a parent, friend, sibling or grandparent. I’ve sat beside them through the pain, encouraged them to process their emotions, and helped to provide them with coping skills for when the pain feels too intense to process in that moment. Yet despite my years of education and the experience I’ve had with my client’s, no one could have prepared me for the what I would have felt the day I lost my father.

The feeling that comes with grief is different for everyone. The range of emotions you experience is broad, and sometimes they can be so overwhelming that it feels like an elephant is sitting on your chest. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and there is no time limit either. I used to think that the pain you feel with loss would be temporary. You lose someone, you grieve, and then you continue to move on with your life. Yet, grief has no boundaries or time limits, it has no pattern or process, and it doesn’t always present itself in the most predictable way.

I’ve learned a lot on processing grief over the past year. Things that go beyond what is read in a textbook. However, one thing that has stuck out to me the most that I think is often missed as a tool for coping with grief is the practice of gratitude. When you look up the definition of gratitude, it says, “The quality of being thankful; the readiness to show appreciation for.” However, my favorite definition is, “Gratitude is associated with a personal benefit that was not intentionally sought after, deserved, or earned but rather because of the good intentions of another person” (Emmons & McCullough, 2003).

We typically don’t think about giving thanks when someone dies. Quite frankly, it sounds pretty morbid when it is said that way. However, the research on gratitude is extensive. Studies have shown that expressing gratitude increases our happiness through inducing positive emotions, including pleasure and contentment, as well as reducing pain like feelings and stress. Gratitude can help us focus on the positive things in life, help us redirect our attention to what we have, and produce intrinsic motivation and a stronger awareness of the present. Neuroscience research has shown that practicing gratitude can actually change the neural structures of our brains.

So how does gratitude relate to grief? How can it be used as a tool? Being grateful for what remains after you’ve experienced a loss is powerful. However, it’s not just about taking time to feel grateful for what you still have in your life despite the loss. Gratitude is also about taking time to focus on how your life was enriched by them, the love they provided you with, and what lessons you’ve learned from them to carry forward in life as a way for them to live through you. I often think about the impact my father left on me and I realized that everything he provided me with, taught me, and the support I received from him was priceless – a value worth so much it could never truly be determined. When I practice gratitude, I notice that feelings of despair, hopelessness, and sadness begin to change. I start to feel a sense of hope, love, and thoughts of how lucky I was for having had such a positive influence in my life. Fond memories begin to surface and I begin to reflect on what parts of his personality show up in mine. It drives me to be better, try harder, and be more motivated for positive changes in my life. Also, to take risks because whether we like it or not, life is short.

Gratitude can come natural to some, however many of us have to take the time to practice it. Practicing gratitude is a skill that needs to be consciously developed, and one day when we practice it enough, it can become a part of our way of life. So how can we practice gratitude in relation to our loss?

1. Reflection. Asking yourself these questions:

a. What positive memories do I have of this person?

b. What have I learned from this person to carry forward in life?

c. How has this person enriched in my life?

d. How has this person changed my life?

2. Keeping a gratitude journal. Keeping a daily gratitude journal provides a space to open up the big feelings and the small, as well as consciously focus on the positive.

3. Thinking about you. Reflect on the positive aspects of yourself and explore whether that individual played a part in who you are as a person today.

Sometimes it can be hard practicing gratitude in relation to grief because the magnitude of the loss feels unbearable. Practicing gratitude for even just the small things in our life in the present can help to build the skill of gratitude so that we can practice it with loss when we feel ready. Thinking of just one thing you are grateful for each day, such as a sunny day, a beautiful bouquet of flowers, or a positive experience you had with friends, can be just the practice you need to help to develop this skill.

The pain you experience in relation to loss is normal, understandable, and completely valid. Practicing gratitude won’t take the pain away, however, it can help to transform the pain into something different. I can’t tell you exactly what it is, but from my personal experience, the pain is more bearable, acceptance comes easier, and sitting with the emotion of grief becomes a little bit more tolerable. I notice that I spend more time feeling thankful for the impact my father has had on my life, and less on what I have lost moving forward. I encourage you to take the time to practice gratitude, as you may just be surprised on how it much it can impact your outlook on loss, love, and life.